God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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