my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize