Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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