Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Threesome in a minivan. New low
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
