i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
