mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
