...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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