you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
whose parrot is this?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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