Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
