Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Is Oprah even human
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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