make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
