Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
