everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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