I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
