apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
