She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
