well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
