I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
