Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
