Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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