Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
