I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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