Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
