At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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