Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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