it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
