Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
