he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
