she woke up with a sticky ear
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What drink are we having for lunch?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
