Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
