Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
