I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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