My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
