don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sober January is a disaster.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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