I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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