She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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