Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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