Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize