You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
