She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
