I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I will be naked everywhere
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
