How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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