Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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