I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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