Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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