When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
