I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You need Xanax blowdarts
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
