What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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