i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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