I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
