I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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