Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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