would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
