I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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