If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm just crazy horny about you
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
