Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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