I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
