In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
