cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
