my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
